Barbara's Diary: June 24, 2001
by Asera
Summary: My latest...the first entry in Barbara Rayne's Diary! Like any diary it will be added to, but unlike any other I may go into the past and write from when she was younger and come back to the present, so the order of these may change. Which is why I'm Dati
1. June 24, 2000

june_24_2001

June 24, 2000

Oh Dear friend, 

What should I do? I'm so confused...this man, he's told me things that can't be true...but how will I live knowing I have killed my grandchild? Yes, I know that I would not have done so intentionally but if I do not go to her... Dear friend of mine, if you could only advise me I would listen attentively. Anna...dear sweet Anna believes I should not risk myself but she as do I also believe this girl spoken of could be. Oh could she be my granddaughter? There was so much of my son I did not know...so much, and now he has gone. What would Derek do? My dear son Derek stubbornly strong willed Derek...would he have believed in this man? Oh, *bites lip* Why not?! I can be just as adventuresome as he could.

Yes, dear friend I do believe I can...and I will. I must of course take certain precautions...I shall believe in Mr. De la Vega's words and hope with all my heart that he is truthful. He certainly looks truthful...oh that smile Oh dear. Well dear friend, I must close for now, and prepare for the path that lies ahead. Wish me good fortune....perchance I may need it.

Barbara C. Rayne

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	2. June 25, 2000

June 25,2001

June 25, 2000

Oh dear friend,

If you knew how I felt you would not chastise me so. No I do not know what has come over me, but I can not help in feeling this way. I have tried to put these thoughts out of my mind, and yet they return to me burning deeper than before. Oh Anthony...oh what is the attraction I feel towards him? Dear god if you could tell me, why does it feel so true? Could it truly be? Or do I perceive what I want to be true? He is handsome, oh so handsome...those eyes friend of mine I feel so safe when he looks at me. Oh his eyes...deep fiery coals...oh I how I wish I could. *Bites lip* His lips, oh if I could so happily I would press my lips against his...oh dear friend I know you think I am wrong. But tell me wouldn't you? The sound of his voice is so relaxing, as is the touch of his hand against mine. He walked me here tonight instead of Jacquelyn, I felt wrong in taking his arm as I left the dining room with him. Oh dear friend, I have to admit I did like it...oh I could not resist in smiling to myself. I was like a child, a blushing schoolgirl when he left me at the door...oh dear. *Sighs heavily* Oh but I did notice Jacqi, she hardly touched her dinner. I wonder if she could be sick. Oh what if she is, should I go and see her...or should I stay here. No she will think I am intruding...oh but Anthony did say I should try to know her while I am here. Oh Anthony, Anthony dear Anthony...oh dear what am I thinking, why do I think of him when I speak of her? Oh how devilish of me...yes I know devilish...still I cannot help it old friend. He is rather charming, and pleasing, I find it hard not to think of him. But no I must keep focused...oh if I could only do so. Well enough for now or I'll find myself returning to such unruly thoughts...*blushes*

Barbara C. Rayne

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	3. June 26, 2000

June 26, 2001

June 26, 2000

Oh tell me dear friend,

Tell me, please what shall I do? I have promised this child I would not...but I find it so hard not to think of him. He is there each time I look up, I close my eyes and he is there again. Oh friend if I could I would leave, but I am afraid yes afraid. If I left and she fell ill what would I do? Yet, Anthony...oh that sweet child if you could see her. There she lies beneath my covers, dreaming peacefully at the thought I want nothing more with her father than friendship. Oh blasphemous lie...oh his scent is here within me just as the kiss that he gave me last night is. Oh if she knew the truth....but no she mustn't I couldn't do that to her. Then I could, or else I would not have permitted him to do so. Oh to think what could have occurred here in this very room last night, this room where she allowed me to hold her tonight and kiss her. Oh he kissed me and I allowed him too... I would have given him all he wanted if it had not been for Betina. Yes, all he wanted I know it is wrong...oh how I wish I were not alone. Oh if Winston were only here with me I wouldn't be like this...dear love of mine why did you leave me? Why? You promised never to leave me...why? Oh if you were here I could do this, but no your gone and he is here. Yes I know it was your destiny. But does this mean Anthony is now mine? Or...oh no, no.Dear friend if there were only a way to know. I do I really do dear friend wish there was a way to know if Anthony truly cares for me, and if what I feel for him is more than passion. Oh how it burns...*sighs* I fear to say I need him, as I look at her so tender as she dreams...she puts my yearning to shame. I do not wish to hurt her...no I cannot stand to be here any more...I feel.... Forgive me I can't any more tonight I must leave this room before I suffocate. Yes suffocate, watching her there and having these thoughts oh no...no, *shakes head* I just Cant! No I can't!

Barbara C. Rayne...

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	4. August 1, 2000

august_1_2001 __

August 1, 2000

Hello Old Friend,

Oh how dear it is to have if only you to confide in. So dear that I do not know how to begin, previously I wrote that I would accompany Mr. De la Vega to Mexico City to meet my grandchild and that I did. I speak in this manner after having spent time with her and being convinced there could be no other truth; Jacqueline De La Vega is truly a Rayne. My sons' only Legacy, Jacqi, and a more wonderfully perfect child there can not be. She is the perfect reflection of her father, kind hearted with an iron-will. However, like her father she is also reclusive in her thoughts, oh if there were only a way to make her more open to me. I thought I had, and then it happened she retreated...her seeing me in her father's arms was as upsetting as I had predicted.

When I arrived in Mexico City with Anna and Anthony, Jacqi had shown herself uneasy with our presence. More importantly, mine as she promptly let me know of her father's previous whims. Yes, as I look back on my other entry I see I did mention something about him, oh but if you could know him friend of mine. You would see what I did. Alas I digress to my previous thoughts. She knew, and I naively thought I could fool her into thinking I felt nothing for her father, what a lie. Dear God what a lie! Yes, I do feel something for him...but it is wrong, wrong, wrong! So wrong, so wrong to believe I could love a man who means so much to her freely. I told her no, and yet I fell into his web. I let my emotions take control and deceived her...she trusted, believed in me and I expelled it for a few moments of passion. I fear that I have lost her reliance in me...I had been unsure before but as time passes, she has grown stronger. Therefore, what I thought before was weakness from a debilitating illness is pure loathsome for me. She has taken the sweet childlike feelings she once ventured forth and transformed them into witty sardonic calumnies. I had hoped I would be spared such criticisms but my child has been well taught by Betina. Taking every chance given to turn Jacqi further against me aiding in her wicked little tricks. Anna has warned me to leave here and return to San Francisco. Yet, how can I leave my happiness behind? I know it is naive to think Jacqi could grow to love me in the little time I have spent with her but I refuse to believe she could not. 

Oh dear friend, my life is once more becoming a never-ending windstorm of flustered perplexity. Once more I must close, and march forth into my battle of will and wits.

Barbara C. Rayne

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	5. August 3, 2000

August 3, 2001 __

August 3, 2000

Dear Friend,

How it pains me to acknowledge my granddaughter's recovery, though I am glad she has I also know it concludes my time spent here. She will no longer need me, or desire for me to stay...she has Marianne and in her own way Betina. And who am I to complain or find fault in it? Her grandmother -- Ha! What kind of grandmother would do as I did? I good grandmother would not had hurt her as I have. Well enough dilly-dally and feeling sorry for myself.

I shall return to San Francisco as soon as time permits, tomorrow if at all possible and forget this ever happened. No dear friend do not remind me, I shall never speak of these events again. Anthony and Jacquelyn De La Vega will be but a memory. I have decided it is for the best...for her best and his. As I fear, any other way would hurt him...and her.

Barbara C. Rayne

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	6. August 7, 2000

august_7_2001

August 7, 2000

Oh Dear, dear friend of mine.

What dreadful events have occurred in the last few days...first I slapped her, she as any other child would, ran to her father. Having to confront him about it was awful, and then her, telling her what I knew she wanted to hear if only to have something more to hurt me with. Oh but what followed, to see that dear sweet child hold between her hands such a cold fatal weapon, I was afraid dear friend. Not for me but for her, she is so young and I do believe innocent, to be used by of all people her aunt. Betina, I knew there was something I should dread from the first time I saw her. I ignored it and it almost cost me my dearest gift. I can not explain how she could think of using Jacqi, why dear God why? What did I do to her? What did Jacqi do? If it had not been for Anthony stepping in to save her and me...oh what would have happened! What happened was dreadful enough; to imagine what else could have if Jacqi had not realized what was happening around her. Oh poor baby. She felt so awful; I could see Betina's evil wash away from her eyes, and replaced by guilt and remorse. If there were anything I could have done to take her pain away I would have, my poor child. Oh dear if you could have seen the look she expressed as she saw the paramedics take Anthony away. I thought he would have wanted her to accompany him, but I was wrong. I felt so hurt when she tried to take his hand and he pulled away, yet I could not say no when he asked me to ride with him. If Jacqi felt guilty for attacking him, I felt worse for taking her place by his side. The following days have not gotten any better, she refused to visit him in the hospital and Anthony has held back some resentment because of it. I suppose that if I were him I would feel the same way, but he could not see as I did. I could see the pain in her eyes each time I returned though she said nothing, each time I speak to her she retreats further away. Fortunately dear friend, Anthony's injury was minor and will be able to return home tomorrow. With his return, Ingrid believes as Anna that we should return to San Francisco, and I agree I only wish my heart felt the same....

Barbara C. Rayne

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	7. August 10, 2000

august_10_2001

August 10, 2000

I have left him dear friend; I have left him and returned home with his daughter. *Sighs* Dear, Anthony...oh if there were a way, *sighs* No what am I saying, there isn't a way as there shouldn't. Still I can't help but thinking that perhaps I could have been happy once more?? Dear god, what am I saying? What do you think dear one? I know, I know that it was for the best, he made me believe that but why do I feel like a coward and worse a petty thief? Even Jacqi is taking this change better than I am; she took the news very well. It took very little time to sink in, but it did. Ingrid was surprised to see her take everything so calmly, though I do not know why. I suppose that its because she hasn't fully taken in the thought of her being Derek's. Time will only tell what lies ahead for us, as Anthony said having Jacqi here with me would open a new chapter in our lives. Hopefully, dear friend it will be one filled with joy unlike the previous one. Hope, ha *sighs* that is all that any of us can really ever do isn't? It is all I have done, and perhaps that is the reason that I have never been happy for long. My hopes and dreams were in my children and now I have but one, as they were in my husband and I no longer have him either. Dear, dear silent friend of mine if you could only tell me how to change my hopes into reality. Ah how happy I would be if things were different with my child. The Legacy...Yes, yes, *sigh of relief* she's here now away from the Legacy...oh my hopes still have life within them don't they? To keep my child away from them, to myself, she is mine; she's mine and no one will ever take her. Not the Legacy, never the Legacy they will not take her the way they took my dear Winston, or my dear son Derek. Oh Jacqi, my dear sweet Jacqi to keep her away from those treacherous ghost hunters will be my life now. Yes dear friend I am convinced, as I was when Anthony arrived that I must keep her away from the Legacy. Above everything...oh how happy I feel now. Ha, *sighs*.

Barbara C. Rayne

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	8. August 23, 2000

august_23_2001

August 23, 2000

Dear, dear friend,

She is out now, again for the third time today. I only wish I knew where she was going, she comes in and out never telling me where she's been or who she talks too. Perhaps its because she sees and talks to no one, that putting distance between her and myself is the only way she can live with me. Oh dear. Tell me what am I doing wrong? I thought that by telling Jacqi who I really was her attitude towards me would change. However, I forgot or perhaps suppressed the truth...she is too much like her father to truly forgive so soon. Derek, remember he was like this too...he would allow you to think he had forgiven you but never really did until he felt he could trust. If there were anything I would change about him, this would be it. Derek, my dear son if you could only help me...dear God if he had known about her. All of this would be different, but no this is the way it is and nothing can change that.

Barbara C. Rayne

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	9. August 29, 2000

august_29_2001

August 29, 2000

Dear friend, 

Forgive me for another sleepless night. Oh but how can I sleep when she can not? Anna is there now again taking my place by her side. I know it is my duty to calm my child's fears but I am foolish I know but I am. She has rejected me each time I have come close before, why would it be any different now. No you are right dear friend; perhaps I am not afraid of her rejection. Perhaps I fear she will ask to return home, return to her father, and return to the Legacy. That her sleepless nights will turn into sweet dreams once she is out of my grasp and that my nights will seem endless with her. I know that is what she will say to me. Have I really turned into such a milksop? Or does it only seem that way? Or was I always like this? You that have known me so long, tell me. Why must you always be silent? I have confided in you for so long and I have never heard you speak, but yes I know what you say to me. Be strong, I suppose it is what I must do if I do not wish to lose my child. Still strength will not help me if I cannot bring myself to enter her room when she cries. And I have no choice but to send Anna in my place, to hear her soothing my granddaughter with sweet words. The way she soothed my daughter, my son, and yes even my husband. Oh how I envy her, her ability to hold someone so dear and allow him or her to feel safe. How I loathe and despise her at times, yes dear one loathe her. I know we have discussed this before, and I know I should not blame Anna for doing as I ask of her, still I cannot help but feel some part of her truly enjoys doing so. Taking my place must bring her some joy; after all, she never did have a family of her own. No it is wrong to think this I know. Anna would never, oh Barbara why must you do this to yourself. Oh, why...

Barbara C. Rayne

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	10. November 1, 2000

November 1, 2000

November 1, 2000

Dear Friend,

Her nightmares have elevated into something I cannot help her in. I have been too afraid even to go to her, Anna suggested calling on Anthony but I fear that may bring back her anger towards the previously stated. I am just getting her to build up to me; I would not want to loose that. I have decided to call Alex instead, she'll be coming tomorrow sometime. I am not sure when exactly she had something's to take care of in New Orleans; she's staying there with her sister. She left the Legacy after Derek, I know she loved him it was always so present. I am sorry my son was never able to fully understand that, he loved her too I could tell. I should have said something to him, but I did not. Perhaps another thing I have failed at as a mother, my son was a grown man I know this. However, he was never capable of showing what he felt, I could have helped him. I could have guided him to do what I know in his heart he wanted to. I just hope that I will do a better job with my granddaughter than I did with my children. Anna says she will be different, but I see so much of Derek in her eyes, in her actions that I just do not know. Perhaps Alex will be able to help her, God I do hope she will.

Barbara C. Rayne

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	11. November 3, 2000

November 3, 2000

November 3, 2000

Dear friend, 

This is the second time she has been gone since Alex came; I do not know what to think. Neither one of them will me anything, she called to tell me she would not come home tonight either. I told Alex I did not want the Legacy involved, she promised that it would not be. She herself is having some trouble accepting them in her life; she confessed what I already knew. She has taken Jacqi to Rachel, Rachel is still a member and I am afraid she will want to bring the Legacy in. No I should believe Alex would not lie to me. Oh if there were anything I could do for Jacqi myself. I am afraid of what could happen to her if she cannot help her. On a happier note this morning she came into my room before leaving again, for a moment. I pretended to be resting, she sat down for a moment at the foot of the bed, I wanted to look at her. I could feel her eyes on me, but was afraid that if I looked at her it would frightened her. Instead I waited until she crawled over to me; she laid her head against me. It felt so nice to have her next to me, as it did in Mexico when she came to my room. I wish I could have kept that moment frozen perhaps then what happened wouldn't have, yet if it hadn't she wouldn't know the truth. Would she? I'm rambling, rambling because I'm worried and at the same time I'm happy. Happy that she has come to me, but worried it might be the one and only time she does. As I also worry about her troubles. I will not consume your time in worries, just know that I am deeply happy at this moment dear friend. Perhaps the only thing that could further brighten my life is a sign of lo...no this will be enough.

Barbara C. Rayne

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